


Loving You Is Killing Me

by Vypera



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Crying Keith (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), Gay Keith (Voltron), Hanahaki Disease, James is just Trying to Help, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Pining Keith (Voltron), Post Season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 15:04:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16389965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vypera/pseuds/Vypera
Summary: He couldn’t hear Lance or the distress in his voice. Keith was hunched over on the floor, petals flowing in every direction. Cosmo started growling while Lance and James were trying to open the door, yelling his name frantically.





	Loving You Is Killing Me

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really happy I managed to upload this before Keith's birthday is over ❤
> 
> As always, I tried my very best but English isn't my first language, so I'm sure there are still some spelling mistakes and grammar errors ... I hope you'll still be able to enjoy it :)
> 
> EDIT: [Luscena.art](https://www.instagram.com/luscena.art/) drew [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/Byw7MOfgnu2/) very beautiful fanart for my oneshot <3 please check it out!

A few years ago Keith had been pretty sure he would never fall in love. That he would always be alone and just watch from afar how everyone around him found their happiness. Now, as an adult, he saw things from a different point of view. Even if you had a shitty childhood, your mentor and only real friend disappeared into space and you got kicked out of the garrison, you still had the ability to fall in love. Just because you decided for yourself to never be in a relationship, that didn’t mean your heart would simply play along.

It took Keith weeks to accept that he had fallen in love with Lance. Out of all people he could have fallen for it just had to be the flirty boy from Cuba, with mesmerizing deep blue eyes and lips looking as soft as cotton candy. He had always known that he preferred boys over girls but that it had to be Lance, the boy who always called him a rival and never looked at him as more than that, was a painful revelation.

Keith had been lying in his bed when it happened for the first time. The day had been pretty uneventful; after saving earth and killing Sendak for good, everything had slowly started to calm down. Everyone was set on making sure such an invasion would never happen again and the Paladins were taking a long-deserved break, still helping as much as they could but mostly just enjoying being back on earth and not having to kill anyone.

He had been feeling a dull pain in his throat for quite some time now. In the beginning he had thought nothing of it and just ignored it but after a week it had become obvious that the pain wouldn’t just vanish. Even swallowing was making him uncomfortable and it was hard to act like everything was just fine.

Keith was almost asleep when he suddenly jolted awake, coughing heavily as he felt something foreign stuck in his throat. It felt like he was slowly suffocating but he forced himself to stay calm and to just cough out whatever had been annoying him these past few days. Maybe then the aching would disappear and he could finally think again.

Ultimately his coughing fit ended, but he wasn’t happy about it. Blue petals had fallen into his hands and he was now staring at them in shock, mortified. That couldn’t be happening.

“No way,” he whispered. “No way, no way, no way!”

He felt the blood draining from his face and his heartbeat accelerating. Of course he knew what this was about. While being part of the garrison he had heard many different stories about the disease which would let you cough up flowers until you finally choked on them and died, painfully slow. The last few days had been just the beginning of this deadly illness. He was dying.

Because his love was unrequited.

Because Lance was already in love with Allura.

Because he just had to fall for the one person who would never return his feelings.

Another coughing fit interrupted his train of thoughts. More blue petals fell into his hand and the taste of blood spread in his mouth. Keith stopped thinking and just looked at the petals, sadness in his eyes. The blue reminded him of Lance’s eyes; peaceful, like the sea before a storm. It took him a second to notice the tears in his eyes. His sight became blurry and he started to cry silently.

Keith’s whole body shook with each new wave of tears and he couldn’t stop them. The tears just kept coming and he let it all out; the feelings for Lance he had been harboring all this time and the sadness about what they were doing to him. He wasn’t blaming Lance; it was his own fault for being unable to tell him sooner. Keith was just a coward who even under these circumstances would rather die than tell Lance about his feelings.

By the time he calmed down it was already morning. Even more petals were lying in his bed and all around him but he couldn’t bring himself to care. His tears had washed away his sadness, anger and regrets. Now he just wanted to make the most of the time he had left, however much that may be. The pain in his throat was still there, even more persistent than before, but just like the previous days he simply ignored it and acted like everything was okay, like nothing had changed.

Keith decided to skip breakfast, his aching throat making it obvious that he wouldn’t be able to swallow anything without choking. Lying in bed all day was no option either, someone would come and check on him and he really wasn’t in the mode to talk with anyone, especially Lance or Shiro. The latter would instantly notice that something was off about him and he wasn’t ready to talk about it. Not with Shiro, not with anyone.

His head was pounding from the lack of sleep and his heart was beating painfully hard. Keith knew it would be impossible to hide his condition for long but he couldn’t bring himself to seek out help. What could they even do? Nothing. This was his own damn problem; he had to find a solution himself.

Keith felt his eyes tear up again and started running, not giving a shit about where he would end up. He felt the cold air around him and kinda regretted not having grabbed his jacket but he didn’t even consider turning around and only ran faster, never slowing down to look around. When he finally stopped he stood in front of the Red Lion. It was tempting to just hop in and fly far, far away but he wasn’t her Paladin anymore. She wouldn’t let him do it and Black wouldn’t either.

Instead he just sat down next to her and looked at the breaking dawn. The sky was cloudy and he could still see a few stars. A strong wind blew his hair back and Keith shuddered. It really was cold without a jacket and just with his typical short-sleeved and black shirt. Keith hugged himself and suppressed his tears. Crying wouldn’t change anything about his situation and he wasn’t that incompetent that he would just sit in a corner and cry all day long. He felt crushed, yes, and he wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was, but he wouldn’t let himself get swept away with his grief.

“Keith? What are you doing here so early?”

Keith looked up in surprise and stared directly into James Griffin’s grey eyes. They had never had a very good relationship but after everything they had been through they had somewhat learned to at least tolerate each others presence.

“I could ask you the same; it’s way too early for you guys to start your training,” Keith countered, not even trying to sound nice. He didn’t actually want to fight, but he wasn’t in a mood to act reasonable.

“Wow, relax,” James said and folded his arms. “I’m not here to fight you or anything, just curious. You guys have today off, why would you be up at this hour and sit next to the Red Lion, which isn’t even yours?”

“I don’t think that concerns you,” Keith answered, turning away from James and trying to suppress another coughing fit. If there was a person, other than Lance and Shiro, he really didn’t want to tell about this it was James Griffin.

Although they finally kind of got along, Keith really had no desire to share his problems with him and discuss his unrequited love for Lance. Just one thought of him and Keith felt his throat tightening and reflexively started coughing. He shouldn’t have thought about it. About him. About his deep blue eyes and his soft smile.

“Are you alright, Keith?” James sounded concern but Keith couldn’t answer. Instead he felt new petals make their way up his throat and fall on the floor in front of him. Unable to stop he hunched over and coughed until he was finally able to breathe again. His heart was beating strong in his chest and his whole body was drenched in sweat.

A hand on his shoulder made him look up; James was watching him with a sad expression and sitting down next to him. “Since when?”

Keith wanted to argue, tell him to not meddle with his problems but the honest and understanding gaze stopped him. “It started this morning,” Keith said instead, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to come up with a good or acceptable lie. He had never been really good at lying. “Don’t tell anybody.”

“I don’t plan to,” James replied before turning towards him and looking him straight into the eyes. “But for your own good; you should talk about this with Lance-“

“How do you even know-!”

“It’s obvious; Lance is just too dense to notice.”

Keith couldn’t argue.

“Anyway; I can understand that you probably don’t want to talk about this but either way you have to tell him. Even if you tried, you wouldn’t be able to hide your condition until the day you’ll die. Believe me, I tried.”

“You … you also went through this?”

“Yeah, about a year ago,” James said, laughing sadly. “I hid it for over a week before Nadia found me, choking on the petals in my room. She brought me to the medical wing and after I stated that I didn’t want to get the surgery Ryan leashed out. We argued for … I don’t even know how long. Probably just a few minutes but it felt like hours.”

Keith didn’t know why, but for some reason he felt himself calming down. Probably because he was in a similar situation and needed advice from someone, who knew what he was going through.

“My condition worsened over night and Nadia and Ina were desperately trying to make me change my mind, but I didn’t. Later that day Ryan showed up again. He didn’t say anything and we sat there in silence for at least an hour before he asked who I’m in love with. Who was the reason I was hurting so much?” James sighed and laughed.

“You don’t have to tell me the whole story,” Keith whispered. “I’m pretty sure it’s not one your favorite memories.”

“That may be true but even so I want you to listen until the end, maybe it will help you to come to a final decision,” James said before continuing. “I almost laughed at Ryan, for asking such a question, but instead I started crying. Like a baby I sat there, crying my eyes out while he was holding my shaking body, before finally I told him. I told him the whole story of how I fell for him, how laughable I felt for being in such a situation but well … as you can see I’m still alive so you can probably guess what happened.”

“He loves you too, so you were cured,” Keith concluded and James nodded. “Exactly. What I’m trying to say is; you may think that he doesn’t have any feelings for you but sometimes-“

“Thank you, James. I really am thankful, but I already know that Lance has no feelings for me. He’s in love with Allura; he fell for her the second he laid his eyes on her.”

“So you won’t do anything?” James asked, standing up and stretched his arms. “You have to decide for yourself. I can’t make this decision for you and neither can your teammates. Think about it carefully but don’t take too long. Believe me, from here on out it will only get worse.”

Keith didn’t answer and James left. The sun was rising and Keith decided to go back to his room. He wouldn't be able to avoid his team for long but he needed time to think. If he told Lance about his feelings, he would either live a happy life with him or die even faster because of a heartbreaking rejection. If he didn’t tell Lance, he would die without having a choice.

“Hanahaki really is the worst disease in existence.”

 

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

 

It had been five days since Keith had talked with James. Five days in which his condition had only gotten worse and he still hadn’t come up with a solution. Keith knew he should probably get the surgery but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Forgetting about Lance? Forgetting about all the times they argued and how they later finally became real friends? No, Keith didn’t want to forget; these memories were just too precious to him. A small voice in his head repeated non-stop ‘he’ll probably forget me as soon as I am gone’ and Keith couldn’t deny the possibility, although it hurt.

He had taken the time to look up the flower that was growing inside him; Forget-Me-Nots. Keith had laughed out loud, regretting it just seconds later as he coughed up more petals and blood. By now the whole room was filled with petals all over the place, mostly around his bed and overflowing in the small trashcan in the far corner of the room.

Keith hadn’t left his room all day, telling everyone who came by he wasn’t feeling well and had no appetite. Of course it would only be a matter of time until someone – probably Shiro – would force him to open his door and would confront him with reality.

If he didn’t do something he would die. There was no way around it – unless Lance reciprocates his feelings. Lance … ever since he realized what was going on, Keith had done whatever necessary to avoid him. Each time he heard him laugh Keith’s whole body got tense and he had to muster up all his self-control to not break out in a coughing fit. Just yesterday evening when they were having dinner Lance laughed wholeheartedly about something Allura said and Keith had to excuse himself before having his worst coughing fit yet.

Cosmo was lying next to Keith in the small bed, whining as if knowing what was going on with his master. Ever since his symptoms had started he hadn’t left Keith’s side and was constantly trying to lighten his mood. It didn’t work but Keith obviously appreciated his effort and petted his head while being deep in thoughts. Cosmo was the only person – or wolf, in his case – he was willing to talk to. He was simply listening and his presence alone was reassuring Keith that he wasn’t alone.

“I don’t know what to do, Cosmo,” Keith whispered and sighed. “What if he doesn’t feel the same? That … it would literally kill me …”

Cosmo didn’t answer; he only laid his head on Keith’s shoulder and wiggled his tail.

“He loves Allura, it’s not like I even have a chance. When I die he’ll probably forget about me as soon as I am gone …”

“KEITH?! You there?!” someone was hammering against his door from outside and Keith’s throat tightened up immediately. Lance.

“You’ve already missed breakfast and lunch. We’re all kinda worried about you. Especially Shiro, he won’t stop frowning and going back and forth-“

“I’m fine, really. Just … tired,” Keith said and clung to his sheets as if they could help him. “Tell the others not to worry, I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, right …,” Lance sounded everything but convinced and seconds later he tried to open the door, which Keith had fortunately locked in advance. “If you were fine you wouldn’t lock your door, would you?”

“Maybe I didn’t want anyone to disturb me while I take a nap?” Keith could almost feel each and every petal in his throat, waiting for him to cough but he held back; he had to wait until Lance left.

“You? Taking a nap?” Lance laughed cheerlessly. “We both know that something like lack of sleep wouldn’t stop you from going out and doing whatever you want. Something’s up with you and we know it, Keith. Please, talk to us. We want to help you. We’re your friends, right?”

Keith was just about to give some half-assed excuse, when suddenly a new voice joined the conversation.

“What’re you doing here, Lance?” James had apparently decided to come by at this exact moment and crash their argument. “Shouldn’t you be with your team?”

“I don’t think that concerns you, James,” Lance answered snappy. “What are you even doing here? I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to be with your team.”

“I heard Keith isn’t feeling well, so I wanted to make sure he’s alright.”

“Oh, really? As far as I know you never liked each other. Why would you suddenly care?”

“Am I not allowed to?”

“NO!”

“Well, but I care, regardless of what you want.”

“But-“

“Keith, are you alright?” James finally asked with concern in his voice. He probably knew that his condition had worsened and wanted to make sure Keith wasn’t repeating his mistake all over again.

Keith had gone sorely quiet throughout the conversation. His whole body was drenched in sweat and with each passing second it got harder for him to breath. Cosmo was looking at him with a confused gaze but Keith didn’t even notice him. Every fiber of his body tried to hold back the petals, which obviously wanted to leave his body but Keith resisted with everything he got. Only when narrow black spots appeared in his field of view – because his body was simply lacking the oxygen to keep him going – he couldn’t hold it back anymore.

“Keith? You alright, buddy?”

He couldn’t hear Lance or the distress in his voice. Keith was hunched over on the floor, petals flowing in every direction. Cosmo started growling while Lance and James were trying to open the door, yelling his name frantically.

Keith felt his heartbeat increasing, drastically. His lungs were probably filled to the brim with flowers and it was impossible to cough them all out and inhale enough oxygen at the same time. Was that what dying felt like?

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a flash of light but he couldn’t comprehend its meaning. Seconds later a second flash of light enveloped the room and two people – Lance and James – stumbled to the ground right next to him.

“Keith!” familiar warmth surrounded his body and Keith slowly realized that Lance’s arm was around his shoulders and holding him close. James was on his other side, worry plastered over his face but he didn’t try to interfere.

“What the fuck is going on?” Lance whispered terrified while his hand was rubbing small circles on Keith’s back. His body gradually reacted to Lance’s gentle touch; within a minute he finally stopped coughing and he was able to breathe again. Keith could still feel the petals proliferate in his lungs but none were trying to choke him.

“You’ve heard of the Hanahaki-Disease, right? Well …” James didn’t say much more and instead helped Keith standing up and led him to his bed to sit on. Keith’s body was shaking and his lungs hurt as if he had been running for hours without a break.

“Wait, you’re saying …” Lance looked from Keith to James and back before coming to a conclusion. “Keith has Hanahaki? He’s … he’s gonna die?”

“If this goes on, yes,” James sighed and stood up. “You should hurry up, Keith. If you don’t do anything-”

“I know … thanks,” Keith interrupted hoarsely and avoided eye contact. James opened the still locked door and quickly left the room. Cosmo curled up in front of Keith and looked at Lance expectantly.

“You bought them into my room, huh?” Keith asked quietly and petted Cosmo. “Thank you.”

“Keith … since when?” Lance asked mortified and inspected his room, noticeably upset with the situation. “Why didn’t you tell us? Not even Shiro?”

“Because there is nothing you can do,” Keith clarified. “I can either get surgery and forget him forever or I confess my feelings to him and die even faster because of his rejection. That’s a decision I have to make, you can’t do anything.”

“You forgot the third option,” Lance whispered and Keith noticed tears welling in his eyes. Was he that upset with him? “You could tell him how you feel and if he feels the same way you can live happily ever after. Together.”

“There is no way he loves me, Lance.” Keith explained and looked out of the window. The sun was already setting and the room was soaked in a soft orange gleam. “If possible I want him to be happy, even if it’s without me around.”

“That’s bullshit!” Lance yelled and Keith actually winced. He had never heard Lance talking so furiously. “The Keith I know isn’t a coward! You always do whatever necessary to get what you want. You can’t tell me you want to die without anyone knowing anything. That’s not you …“

“Lance-“

“Who is it? Shiro? Hunk? James?” Lance asked angry and paced through the room. “Shiro is like a brother to you and I’ve never seen you act differently around Hunk, so … James? Seriously-“

“I don’t like either of them like that,” Keith mumbled and not making eye contact. “You forgot one person though.”

“Who? … It’s not Coran, is it?”

“No, it’s not Coran.”

Lance sighed relieved but looked utterly confused. Keith said nothing and waited. Lance wasn’t an idiot, it wouldn’t take him long to realize who he had overlooked.

“Wait, are you … are you talking about me?”

“It’s funny, isn’t it?” Keith laughed pathetically. “I fell in love with the guy, who proclaimed me as his rival as soon as we spoke with each other for the first time.”

“That … you … you love me?”

“Yes, Lance. I love you. Happy?” Keith said ironically but felt the petals withdraw from his throat, even if just a bit. Although he was pretty sure they would return even stronger and more persistent as soon as Lance rejected him.

“Why? I mean … I’m just a boy from Cuba. I’m not special or anything.” Lance said and sat down next to Keith but with a bit of space between them.

“You’re special in your own way, Lance,” Keith said. “It was love at first sight, you know? At first I tried to deny it but at some point I just accepted it. There is nothing you can do when your heart has already decided who it’s beating for.”

Lance didn’t say anything and just listened carefully. Something in Keith was relieved to finally tell him everything, to tell him how much he meant to him and that he never hated him or anything. Even if he rejected him, at least he would know the truth.

“Honestly, I was frustrated when you declared me as your rival and as a result I couldn’t stop myself from arguing with you. The way you acted around Allura, always flirting and never taking notice of other people around you as soon as you set your eyes on her … it irritated the shit out of me. I thought I could forget about you but when I was in the Quantum Abyss with Krolia … for two years I could do nothing but think about you pretty much every day and miss you to the point it hurts.”

“And now you’re dying because of me?” Lance asked quietly. “Because you thought that I wouldn’t return your feelings?”

“You don’t. You love Allura, remember?”

“I don’t!” Lance declared yelling and jumped from the bed. “Yes, I flirted with her and maybe I really had a tiny crush on her when we first met but not anymore. I … after you left for the Blade of Mamora I first started to notice my feelings for you. I missed you, terribly. More than I would have missed the others. It was lonely and boring without you; I even missed your stupid mullet! It took me a while but on night I just woke up and the words were flying through my head. ‘I’m in love with Keith. I fucking love him,’”

He sat down on the bed again and no one spoke.

“You’re not lying are you? Telling me you like me out of pity is the last thing I want,” Keith clarified and Lance looked at him in shook.

“I would never lie about my feelings for someone! And even if I tried to safe you out of pity; if you don’t believe my feelings are real, the flower won’t disappear.” Lance said and grabbed his shoulders, staring straight into his eyes. “Keith; I love you. I really do, please trust me. I … I really don’t want you to die because of all this.”

When Keith didn’t say anything and just stared at him in surprise, Lance stopped thinking and let his emotions take over. He leaned over and pressed his lips softly against Keith’s. “I love you, Keith. The way you look at me just now – like I am the most precious person in the world –, how your body feels against mine when we hug, our quarrels and even your stupid mullet.”

“You’re an idiot,” Keith was blushing and hid his head in the crook of Lance’s neck. He had a smile on his face and his heart was beating faster than normal. This had to be what being in love felt like.

“But I’m your idiot.”

Keith nodded and kissed him again. His heart was beating happily when he felt Lance’s hand around his back, pulling him even closer on top of his lap.

“Just so we’re on the same page; we’re boyfriends now, right?” Lance asked and Keith nodded.

“If you’re okay with it-”

“I’m more than okay with it, mullet.”

They fell back onto the bed, kissing softly and holding each other close. Forgotten were the petals around the room and the agony Keith had gone through the previous days. The only thing Lance wanted right now was to be with Keith and make him happy, whatever the cost. He sighed against his lips. “You’re probably the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“That’s cheesy,” Keith muttered and laid his head on top of Lance’s chest. He felt the strong and regular heartbeat and sighed content. “But you’re right. I love you, sharpshooter.”

“I love you too, samurai.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! ^-^  
> I'm always happy about kudos and/or comments :)


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